spider-man: homecoming

Every critic or casual watcher has that one outrageous, controversial opinion that goes so against the grain that its legitimacy is up in the air. Mine is that, ever since I was fifteen years old, I have vehemently despised Spider-Man: Homecoming. I used to be much more outraged and vocal about my distaste, but when I realized hatred takes a lot of mental energy and people don’t normally love it when you intensely berate, with steam erupting from the ears, something that’s a comparatively small part of life, I toned it way, way down. As a general rule of thumb, “I personally…” and “not for me” are much more relaxing and fulfilling statements to make about something than mindlessly attacking it while denouncing or insulting anybody who likes it. 

That being said, the reasons why I dislike Spider-Man: Homecoming have changed a lot throughout the years as I’ve grown as a critic. I’ve developed more concrete and (hopefully) justified reasons for my distaste instead of just “meh, comic accuracy.” I actually remember doing a review on it way, way, way back in the day just for myself, but even if I still had a copy around somewhere, I wouldn’t post it because of how much my opinions have morphed over time.

Thankfully, from day one, I always had at least a few positive things to point out. The score is absolutely amazing, with the legendary Michael Giacchino, on the Mount Rushmore of living composers alongside Zimmer, Williams and Goransson, turning in something supremely fine-tuned and special. The soundtrack is perfectly scaled; small when it needs to be and grandiose when deserved, and it sounds very… spider-y? If that makes sense? I find myself humming the main motif constantly. 

As far as performances go, Michael Keaton is the star of the show and it isn’t even close. He brings down the house, and is also responsible for my favorite scene in the movie, in which Adrian Toomes discovers Peter is Spider-Man in the car. I love the tension and the slowburn realization (emphasized dramatically by Giacchino’s score), the traffic light turning from red to green right in his eyes to signify the Vulture’s eyes, and Keaton’s bone-chilling “good old Spider-Man.” Terrific stuff. I also, being a huge Better Call Saul fan, love Michael Mando and desperately wanted him to have a good turn-in, or at least, something to do. But his Mac Gargan and that whole plotline was dropped like a bag of bricks, leading him to be completely wasted on Darth Maul levels on only a couple lines of dialogue.

Speaking of performances, my relationship with Tom Holland is complicated (as a critic- I don’t, like, know him- we’re not friends). Whether I like his Spider-Man is dependent on the writer. I love Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely Spidey (the guys who wrote all his crossover films), but I find Goldstein and Francis Daley Spidey to be incredibly annoying and grating. He whines, complains, appears dopey and unintelligent, and is outstandingly unfunny. This personal complaint is one of the only ones that has survived from release date all the way until now. Sure, a character like The Flash is annoying in a movie like Justice League, but he's only one main character of six with limited screen time, and he has a satisfying character arc. I do not feel connected to any of the characters in this film because of their immaturity and unrelatability. 

This is where the comparisons start to come in. Normally I wouldn't bring up things like comic accuracy or contrasts to previous films in a franchise, but Homecoming’s M.O. during production was a lack of comic accuracy and the separation from previous interpretations to maintain freshness. It seemed to have been a driving force behind this film's cobbled-together script. When Disney and Sony settled their deal for the live action Spidey film rights back in 2015, they took care to revamp nearly every major side character in an attempt to not retread old ideas. This resulted in a character like Mary Jane being so far removed from her comic counterpart she had to have a different name. It’s a completely different character, both to fans and to the lawyers. Aunt May couldn’t be a kind old neighborly woman anymore, so she had to be young and attractive and sexualized by the male characters multiple times throughout the movie, which is so vile I almost just threw up in my mouth. Ned Leeds has all the characteristics of Ganke, Miles Morales’ best friend, fast-tracked just in case they never got to Miles in live action. Comic accuracy certainly isn’t everything, but when the filmmakers are trying this hard and this blatantly obviously to make characters the least accurate possible, it comes off as distrusting and tone deaf. But the worst offense is what they did to Uncle Ben- more in a bit.

For now, continuing with the comparisons, let’s take a look at Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man. He gets bullied in high school by the popular kids, is late for classes, can barely make rent, can’t even afford a bouquet of flowers for MJ, and routinely has to juggle all aspects of his life, which leads to his intense stress and him losing his powers- losing his responsibility. That is relatable. That is instantaneously relatable to anybody watching. Tom Holland’s Spider-Man starts the film with Tony Stark, the richest person in his universe, on speed dial. He has a nice apartment, an attractive aunt, gets a date with his crush with little trouble, and a high tech suit literally gift-wrapped and handed to him. And yet throughout the film, he is the whiniest and most immature Spider-Man of all. He didn’t even suffer the death of Uncle Ben, and if he did, he doesn’t care enough to mention it. The undisputed most vital aspect of Spider-Man’s character is thrown away like it was nothing, in a grey area of mystery not knowing if he existed at all or how he died, simply and purely to try something new.

Humor is extremely subjective, which can easily cause divides between two, even similar, people watching a movie that has a major focus on comedy. Unfortunately, I do not find Spider-Man: Homecoming funny at all. I can’t count the number of times I cringed or rolled my eyes at this film. Bad deliveries to jokes that fall flat, and overzealous and easily excitable characters (“um, an alien battery? That’s so freakin’ cool! Wow! This is awesome!”) spout off textbook ‘Marvel movie dialogue’ in its most groan-worthy form. 

There is also a sense of cynicism and distrust with Homecoming’s approach to references, cameos and Easter eggs from the wider Marvel universe. They are everywhere- constant- popping up in all forms imaginable with hardly any time to breathe. Even the presence of Robert Downey Jr’s Iron Man- Homecoming hinges on these references and Easter eggs so obtusely it lacks an identity of its own. The film seems to have no trust that Spider-Man is a character that can carry a film trilogy, despite direct, previously-released proof to the contrary. Even MCU films starring characters considerably less iconic and well-known as Spidey, like Doctor Strange, Black Panther, or the Eternals, lack the cameos and dime-a-dozen distractions because there was a trust that these characters could work on their own.

I also felt that Peter’s arc in this movie wasn’t what it should have been. Given that he does no action in the film without the help of Tony Stark, whether literally or motivation-wise, I don’t believe Peter sufficiently separates himself from Iron Man or the zealous, juvenile desire to be an Avenger. I think he should have been motivated by other characters, most especially Uncle Ben, if he truly wanted to stand out and be different from the Avengers. The decision he makes at the end, to be a “friendly neighborhood Spider-Man”, is predictable, lazy and uninteresting.

I’m glad that so many people have gotten enjoyment out of this movie. I’m glad it’s made some people laugh, inspired them, and filled out fun evenings and afternoons with friends and family. I’m even glad it and its sequels made so much money at the box office, because success is good and having a job as a filmmaker is good and people having fun at the movies is good. But I, personally, find Spider-Man: Homecoming to be a messy, unfunny, groan-inducing, directionless and incohesive experience hellbent on frustrating and puzzling for the sake of a fresh coat of paint. It’s not for me. 

“Pretty much all the stuff you guys like is bad, and I’m too smart to like it. You know what is good? Donkey Kong.” -videogamedunkey